Where I stand today.

There are people in life that just come along and are put there to try to steal your joy. I have faced this many times in life. If i were to count how many times.. it would actually take me a good while.

Yesterday i was faced with a devil and it wasn't pretty. I stand clear of making anyone mad at me. I am a servant. I try to make a good standing with everyone and i know you can't make everyone happy and that is the truth. you know what though.. that is on them. well what had happened was the person didn't even know what was even going on and they attacked me and one other person. How could they do that!??! It was not an escalated situation and they turned it into "I'm going to murder you!" kind of situation. Which they accused me of having a problem with someone and that wasn't even the case!! Also that i was not to go to someone to gossip to. Which was not even the case one bit!! I was only  looking for someone to help me get some keys to get some supplies because of a prior situation!!

I was attacked verbally and had fingers in my face! How dare I!? This is what i was told.. . are you serious?! How dare them! For not even knowing a situation they come to me and make it something it was not. People that who are to stand there as your brothers and sisters to band together against evil and they become the dreadful demons we are fighting! I couldn't believe anything i heard or saw, all i could do was control myself and walked away from the situation and later accept an apology that had nothing to do with the incident. How could they do that? How could they stoop so low as to become something they were to overcome? I understand we are all human we make mistakes but to become a ravenous vulture and come at me with accusations and threats. That puzzles me so much!

Just like my dad would tell.. " you can only control you, you be the change and maybe people will follow" well dad i miss you and wish i could talk to you. You were there to give such awesome wisdom; stuff way beyond me.

I wont let people take my joy, i can stand taller today because i have overcome and i did not backlash! I can stand here and truly say I have grown! I have grown to someone i love and would love people to see in action. No longer am I this violent being and not to take peoples crap but to be the bigger person and be the one with fewer words!

Despondency

I don't know whether or not I should be saying some things, because I am mad and don't like people as much as i like cold steak...

I can't seem to grasp this whole love your enemies thing.. it stabs in the in the heart to see these people fake that they are pretending to be there for my father.. it just makes me so angry!! I don't see why they come around and fake that that are trying to help or even feel sorry for him.. since when? they never came around before and then disrespecting his house, and his land! Don't they know who their mother is married too? We are a Native people and we have more respect to our families even if we fight and hurt each other.. it's a prevalent thing for us.. i don't know.. But they made me ever so mad than i had been before.. i started to cry, not because i was sad.. but because i was so mad!! She kept talking and saying things to the doctor and to the nurses that came to assist my father.. and i kept saying why are you talking!? Why are you still talking?! And WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE!!?? Theg get under my skin is all and i can't stand it.. and to say they are someone to my father!? YOU ARE NOTHING BUT HIS WIFE'S KIDS, AND NOTHING MORE!! This is MY father, MY dad, MY BIOLOGICAL PARENT!!

wrapping my head around things takes a while because i go through every detail a lot of options and then put out the what if's and the what could be's.. I don't try to be so complicated, but when i think, i think i am fixing the matter but i am only making it worse.. I tried to learn how to let things go, but i am still praying for deliverance from that.. I was going to say though was that, they want to all this stuff for my dad and they want to take him here have him cut open here but if he responds to something else they want to cut there... and may not here, but over there.. then clap this here and have that there.. but temporarily.. I can see how hurt my dad is and how tired he is and he can not seem to sleep well either while he is in the God forsaken hospital bed.. I wish i could just make everything ok for him again!! I don't want to question God and ask why Lord.. why has my father come to this, a pile of cancer.. and nothing more than that? Is there anything I can do?! I pray everyday for him to get well, to be better and to have the life he once had going to work and being on the road and going where ever he wanted? I miss that.. now my dad is sitting in a bed almost 24/7 and is tired all the time.. I don't want to blame that on God, because he knows what he is doing.. Because, "Whatever You're doing inside of me, It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace It's hard to surrender to what I can't see But I'm giving in to something Heavenly "..." You're up to something, bigger than me! Larger than life, something heavenly! Something Heavenly!"- Sanctus Real 

Because I feel like it..

I haven't slept in almost 24 hours now.. I can't seem to put my mind at ease.. I pray and nothing.. i cry but still nothing.. I try to just lay there and stay silent and still, NOTHING..

I am so scared, tired, and just beat up! I don't know what to do anymore, we found out my father has cancer in both his Liver and his Colon.. One can be saved but not the other.. There is a lot of talk about where is going to where and who is going to have what and where the youngest child will go and what will happen to others..

Everything is becoming so real, that everything just might come to an end and i don't like that I can't control that. and to think that my father has to go in this alone because his dumb so called wife.. (not my mother; my dads second marriage). We are all grown have families of our own but one sister left at home that is 14. I am there for him 24/7 and my father appreciates it i know he does, his eldest daughter doing what is right he says. 

To hear my father tell me that i am the one that is making it in the right direction makes me feel so good inside but so sad that it all might come to an end and that it took this to happen to him to show his real feelings and all that he has done into perspective.I am just going to miss him.. i know nothing is going to happen right at this moment but if it were to happen in the near future like within this year.. i don't know what i will do...  I need more time.. i need more time to think to know what is really going on.. i feel so in shock.. i don't know how to respond i don't know how to act.. what am I to say? I am a woman of God and have no words no advice no comfort or a peaceful state of mind!? I know i am only human but why can't i just get up the courage to pray for my dad lay hands on him and believe God to take all this away and that he can see his grandchildren grow up and just see his youngest daughter graduate from high school! I am not questioning God, i know things happen for a reason but, i just want more time.. more time to tell him i love him and that i need him there, to teach me, to teach me about my culture to pass it on to my son's...

I have a confession to make and I do not believe in superstitions and things like that but.. i believe this one to be true.. because owls are messengers and we as Native Americans (pima/ maricopa) believe they are a sign of danger and most of the time a sign of death.. I believe this to be true because without me analyzing that i saw one and then thinking 'oh, who is going to die'. No i just shrug  it off and then when something does happen i look back at all those times.. My confession is that.. and i didn't wanna tell my mom, brothers or sisters.. but, I saw a big white owl on the Fourth of July and thought nothing of it we gazed at it an cried a little to myself and then when my father had me take him to his first appointment for all this we got the news.. then i realized.. What the heck! Why did i have to see that owl.. why did it come and sit across the street from where i was..and why didn't i think anything of it at the time.. I know i shouldn't believe the world and only Jesus, but that is the only thing that i hold true in this world also, because it was no coincidence.. I just don't know.. maybe i am crazy or something.. thats all.. 

I just can't stand this and i don't know what to do anymore but cry, and all i hear from everyone else is ' oh your father will be fine.. just keep praying" i know that and i have never stopped praying but why can;t people just sympathize or empathize with me.. to me those are lazy comments and nothing from the heart.. that isn't a friend that is a text book answer.. i need you more than ever dad.. and i need you more than ever Jesus!!

Sometimes

Sometimes you wish you can be everything they want you to be..
Sometimes you wish you weren't you..
Sometimes you wish you weren't so loving..
Something you wish you could just get over everything that hurt you..
Sometimes you try to breathe but it feels like water filling your lungs..
Sometimes you try harder everyday for them to love you..
Sometimes you try to be more than you..
Sometimes you try not to start the same argument..
Sometimes you try to get that attention of the one you love..
Sometimes you wanna just wake up from this nightmare..
Sometimes you wanna just let go and hope it comes back..
Sometimes you wanna just hold on and not let go..
Sometimes you wanna just slam that door walk away and never return..
Sometimes you just want to be held and told everything is going to be ok. I will hold you now until forever because I love you and no one can take that away from me or you.. I love you..
Sometimes...