all on my own..

I do everything all by myself, no one to help no one to lend a hand.. no one there to hold my hand, or even to take the wheel.. I walk and do as i please and no one can get in my way... But sometimes i wish there was someone there to help me.

I have been doing all this by myself, i have been making appointments keeping them and changing them and making sure we have everything together. I don't know what to do anymore.. i feel like a mess.. my head hurts all the time and i feel like i can't sleep. I feel like i have neglected everything dear to me. But i also don't wanna leave my dad and something happen to him.. I just wanna be able to go home and be refreshed and do it all again. But then there is always something else there that bothers me.

Not being able to hold my own makes me afraid and there is nothing i can do. I feel like screaming and not stopping i feel like scratch at my face my arms and pulling out my hair.. i feel like there are things that are just poking and prodding at me.. and there nothing i can do about it.. even though i can do something about, i know that i wont get down to it cause the way i feel.. 

Why don't i have anyone to talk to? Why don't i have friends? Why don't i keep friends? Why don't people understand what i am going through.. or even if they havent been in my shoes at least listen just a little while. I keep telling myself i don't need anyone and that i will be ok, but i am really not ok. I am not ok i know i am not i dont need money for rent, for my phone and food for my children..thats the only thing, but everything has spiraled down from here... and there is nothing that i can do about it.. the people that said i was going to get paid have done nothing to get me the paper work to get me paid.. everything is just a mess..

i am just babbling and i don't mean to, but i have no one i could relate to.. 

Zoloft

I guess you will be my only friend from here on out..

 I never wanted to meet you, i didn't even wanna hear your name be spoken.. 

Why have you chosen me? Why was there even a reason for you to even show your ugly face.. To have you have to hold my hand every waking hour of my life for now..

 I will get over you and never have to see you again.. 

I pray this will all get better and you wouldn't even be near to ruin things!

 I HATE YOU!!

what is there more to do????

I don't know what more to do.. i go and see my dad everyday i help him with everything... i drive him around and i take care of everything he cant do for himself. I am so stressed.. i cry most of the time i am not with my dad.. and i am so afraid that i am not going to be there when he needs me most.. There are people there that are with him.. and i don't know what else i am worried about.. it's like one minute i am ok.. the next i am mad.. the next i am crying my eyes out and don't know why sometimes.. I can't watch certain movies that i used to watch.. that i found so fun to watch.. then i  find out that it has something to do with cancer.. and i didn't think that i would be so sensitive to it.. it's like anything triggers everything in me.. i am trying to be strong i am trying to be a good daughter and help him as much as i can.. i don't wanna not be with him.. i am just so scared that he will be in so much pain and call for me and i am no where to be found.. i don't know how to deal with this i thought i could be good at coping with this because i have Jesus in my life.. but it is like the more i pray the more hurt i get because i don't know what will happen.. But i know i am just rambling on but i don't have anyone really to talk to.. i have my husband and family but sometimes i can't just open to them and just let everything out.. and it is just repetitive every time i talk and i know no one wants to hear what i had already cried about..  today seems like the worst day ever,... i don't know why. and i have a feeling my dad knows more then what he is telling us.. or even the nurses and doctors..

i don't know what to do.. i need more help and i don't know where to get it.. or how to understand any of it.. i don't wanna ask why.. but i just wonder why.. why my dad.. why now.. and why us? It's all in God's hands now and there is nothing i can do to change that..

Despondency

I don't know whether or not I should be saying some things, because I am mad and don't like people as much as i like cold steak...

I can't seem to grasp this whole love your enemies thing.. it stabs in the in the heart to see these people fake that they are pretending to be there for my father.. it just makes me so angry!! I don't see why they come around and fake that that are trying to help or even feel sorry for him.. since when? they never came around before and then disrespecting his house, and his land! Don't they know who their mother is married too? We are a Native people and we have more respect to our families even if we fight and hurt each other.. it's a prevalent thing for us.. i don't know.. But they made me ever so mad than i had been before.. i started to cry, not because i was sad.. but because i was so mad!! She kept talking and saying things to the doctor and to the nurses that came to assist my father.. and i kept saying why are you talking!? Why are you still talking?! And WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE!!?? Theg get under my skin is all and i can't stand it.. and to say they are someone to my father!? YOU ARE NOTHING BUT HIS WIFE'S KIDS, AND NOTHING MORE!! This is MY father, MY dad, MY BIOLOGICAL PARENT!!

wrapping my head around things takes a while because i go through every detail a lot of options and then put out the what if's and the what could be's.. I don't try to be so complicated, but when i think, i think i am fixing the matter but i am only making it worse.. I tried to learn how to let things go, but i am still praying for deliverance from that.. I was going to say though was that, they want to all this stuff for my dad and they want to take him here have him cut open here but if he responds to something else they want to cut there... and may not here, but over there.. then clap this here and have that there.. but temporarily.. I can see how hurt my dad is and how tired he is and he can not seem to sleep well either while he is in the God forsaken hospital bed.. I wish i could just make everything ok for him again!! I don't want to question God and ask why Lord.. why has my father come to this, a pile of cancer.. and nothing more than that? Is there anything I can do?! I pray everyday for him to get well, to be better and to have the life he once had going to work and being on the road and going where ever he wanted? I miss that.. now my dad is sitting in a bed almost 24/7 and is tired all the time.. I don't want to blame that on God, because he knows what he is doing.. Because, "Whatever You're doing inside of me, It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace It's hard to surrender to what I can't see But I'm giving in to something Heavenly "..." You're up to something, bigger than me! Larger than life, something heavenly! Something Heavenly!"- Sanctus Real 

Because I feel like it..

I haven't slept in almost 24 hours now.. I can't seem to put my mind at ease.. I pray and nothing.. i cry but still nothing.. I try to just lay there and stay silent and still, NOTHING..

I am so scared, tired, and just beat up! I don't know what to do anymore, we found out my father has cancer in both his Liver and his Colon.. One can be saved but not the other.. There is a lot of talk about where is going to where and who is going to have what and where the youngest child will go and what will happen to others..

Everything is becoming so real, that everything just might come to an end and i don't like that I can't control that. and to think that my father has to go in this alone because his dumb so called wife.. (not my mother; my dads second marriage). We are all grown have families of our own but one sister left at home that is 14. I am there for him 24/7 and my father appreciates it i know he does, his eldest daughter doing what is right he says. 

To hear my father tell me that i am the one that is making it in the right direction makes me feel so good inside but so sad that it all might come to an end and that it took this to happen to him to show his real feelings and all that he has done into perspective.I am just going to miss him.. i know nothing is going to happen right at this moment but if it were to happen in the near future like within this year.. i don't know what i will do...  I need more time.. i need more time to think to know what is really going on.. i feel so in shock.. i don't know how to respond i don't know how to act.. what am I to say? I am a woman of God and have no words no advice no comfort or a peaceful state of mind!? I know i am only human but why can't i just get up the courage to pray for my dad lay hands on him and believe God to take all this away and that he can see his grandchildren grow up and just see his youngest daughter graduate from high school! I am not questioning God, i know things happen for a reason but, i just want more time.. more time to tell him i love him and that i need him there, to teach me, to teach me about my culture to pass it on to my son's...

I have a confession to make and I do not believe in superstitions and things like that but.. i believe this one to be true.. because owls are messengers and we as Native Americans (pima/ maricopa) believe they are a sign of danger and most of the time a sign of death.. I believe this to be true because without me analyzing that i saw one and then thinking 'oh, who is going to die'. No i just shrug  it off and then when something does happen i look back at all those times.. My confession is that.. and i didn't wanna tell my mom, brothers or sisters.. but, I saw a big white owl on the Fourth of July and thought nothing of it we gazed at it an cried a little to myself and then when my father had me take him to his first appointment for all this we got the news.. then i realized.. What the heck! Why did i have to see that owl.. why did it come and sit across the street from where i was..and why didn't i think anything of it at the time.. I know i shouldn't believe the world and only Jesus, but that is the only thing that i hold true in this world also, because it was no coincidence.. I just don't know.. maybe i am crazy or something.. thats all.. 

I just can't stand this and i don't know what to do anymore but cry, and all i hear from everyone else is ' oh your father will be fine.. just keep praying" i know that and i have never stopped praying but why can;t people just sympathize or empathize with me.. to me those are lazy comments and nothing from the heart.. that isn't a friend that is a text book answer.. i need you more than ever dad.. and i need you more than ever Jesus!!

I am not here right now, please leave a message and I will get back to you later..

Lately, I have not been able to focus.. To even comprehend what is going on in my life right now. One thing after another, trial after trial.. I know that the price of being born again was that there would be trials and tribulation. I didn't know like this! It's not going to break me but it sure is bending me to the point where it feels like I am going to break in two.

We found out last month that my father was sick, and that he has a hernia. At the time surgery was all he needed, and we could deal with that. After poking and prodding around in his body we have come to find that he no longer just had a hernia, but a tumor and lesions on his liver. In all, they are saying that my father might have a cancerous mass on his liver! We are not sure what everything is yet, We have come back from GI appointments and just yesterday a liver biopsy and before that a few more appointments. It's been a long week I am tired and torn. I have been praying constantly for my father... but everyday I grow weary of what might be.

He has been talking about getting things in order, and I know that is nothing to not worry about. I just don't like the thought of it being real all of a sudden. He is saying things of giving his house to me and my children, and that he wants this to go here and there.. everything is becoming to real and I don't know what else to think. He is not old, just his insides. He says he doesn't want this in his body and he doesn't want it to be true either, but only time will tell, we only have to wait on the tests. 

What am I to do, all this has been put on my shoulders. He says he wants me to take over because I am the one out of all the kids that seems to have everything together and which way to go in life. I appreciate that a lot! To hear it coming from my dad! It is something that I believe every child would like to hear their parent tell them! On the other hand, I feel not that it is a burden, but a little overwhelming and an honor at the same time. To think my dad would soon pass away or to even think he could be passing soon has been heart wrenching. I know we know nothing yet, but thinking of all the what could be's is so very hard. I am not trying to be all negative, but so positive about it. I just can't help thinking what if... What if the test come back and say something we don't wanna hear. What if they don't come back and will all this just go away and we go back to our normal lives? Will no one be as close as they are now? What if he does pass very soon and I don't know how to cope? How am I to deal with all this!? I know I have Jesus and I can pray about it, talk to my Pastor and seek guidance from others that have been in this situation.. Who will be there for me? If anyone at all..

There are just a lot of things that I am going through and don't know how to manage, every one keeps telling me that I am a strong person and that I have to learn to let go.. but how am I to let go of something that hasn't happened yet or might happen? How am I to do this when all this is happening now!? I have so many questions and because nothing has been diagnosed or is just a possibility no one wants to give me answers! I need something that will take the pain away for now and that I can focus on what I have to do!! Why wont someone just give it to me straight even if it is a hypothetical scenario right now.. Give me the what if's and what the what could be's.. That way when and if it happens I can know what I have to do!!

Times like this I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna eat, I don't wanna play with my children, and I definitely don't wanna see anyone and have them tell me oh you'll be fine this happens all the time. Yeah it is easy for people to give you advice when they haven't been through it themselves.. Text book answers don't help me here.. any moron can go and read a book about death but til you have suffered and watch someone you loved die in your arms then you know nothing!!! I had to live that once already, I don't wanna have to do it again so soon!!

Kai..

So, this week is  my son Kai's birthday week...

He would have been 5 years old this year. He probably would have been starting preschool this year. He would have been learning how to tie his shoes, writing his name and learning sight words and how to make some new friends. He would have had light brown hair and possibly hazel eyes. He would be a skinny little boy jumping off the couch and running around with his two other brothers. He would have loved going to the beach with us when we took that trip last summer to show his younger brother. We only have the little family car since we don't need the extra room.. We only live in a two bedroom house because the additional room would be too much. He would have loved to want to cuddle up with us as we read books before bed time and family weekends at the lake. Wearing phoenix suns jerseys in the sun and playing on the playground chasing after his older brother perhaps. Maybe he does see, maybe he knows we have a little car and a little place. Maybe he knows how much his mommy and daddy miss him.. Maybe he knows mommy still cries herself to sleep just knowing what he could be doing that day..

I had a dream one night that he was here with us still and what he had look like.. just like his brothers mixed into one. With his chinky little eyes and his chubby little cheeks and his spikey hair just like his brothers. I know everyone says that everyone takes different times to heal and to let go even. When it is my time, i don't know if i can do as i am told.. or how do i even start.. is this ok? Have i grieved to long.. heck, i am still grieving.

It is weird every time around this year, around his birthday and mother's day (by the way is the day he passed) i dread it. I dread mother's day because it is a memory and anniversary when he had to go away. And his birthday cause i know he wont be here getting older each time to celebrate. I know it's cliche and tired some to say, but i really wish there was a staircase to Heaven so i could bring you back to me one day. All i know is one i will see you again, and i hope that i can recognize your face. If you could really know what is going on, i hope Jesus can tell you what i have written here and that i still have your puppy and he lays in my bed with us. His name is Kai Puppy,no one or nothing can take your place! I know til this day that you lived longer than the doctor's say, i watched you fight for your life and take your last breathe. It was the saddest day in my life and i didn't know what to do, til this day i still don' t know what to do about this feeling and all this that i have bottled inside.

I miss you so much, come to me in my dreams.. at least then i can smile and be happy... but only in my dreams..

I am always thinking about you My Little Prince in Heaven!!
Love Mommy <3>

Things i do...

I do this and do that.. I sound like I am ungrateful or nagging.. sorry to blow my top.. I feel as though regret has taken over you. I sit here and tell my self there is going to be a turn around some day.. Everyday is perfect except those one days where it all comes on like a wave.. I don't think before I speak, things are triggered when things are done or said. I don't mean to be this way, I am sorry but I am just the product of your dismay. I am not here to judge you in all you did or done, but to merely help you guide me and help us get along. I did this for us I said it for me.. but why is it I just can't let things be? I don't wanna be hurt I don't want to cause confusion or delay to our recovery. I just need to talk and let things be free. I can't seem to shake this disease it comes out of me and runs over my selfless degrees. I come to see that maybe I'm the problem and don't know when to decline, the words that come vomiting out as they please. This demon has a hold of me and won't let me go til its satisfied with its demeaning greed. I shake and jerk to get a hold of you to wrap you in our bound to never be alone.. why can't I let things go?? Can we just talk?? Not argue? I just wanna be alive again.. 

The top cake is Thomas the train, for my son that had just turned 3 years of age.. and the bottom picture is a layout that WAS going to go on a cake.. but.. didn't quite go as planned.. so be it.. oh well.. it was nice when i have made it though.. just can't please everyone i guess..

This is a character cake i had made for a friend who just adores invader zim.. this little guys name is Gir :D

There is a wedding cake a "birthday cake" a baby shower cake and a devils food cake with whipped ganache.. Some of these are those that i have made in the culinary school..

More cakes

Birthday cakes i have done.. yes that hello kitty one is tiramisu.. :D

New goals, new me, in 2013!!

This year, i don't only want to set a new years resolution.. but more like a life changing experience.. I have started to eat better.. than i have in the past.. I am trying to completely knock out fast food.. and soda pop. I never eat candy so that is not a problem. It is kind of hard when you are a baker/caker... I don't consume.. but i do taste test which is different cause you only taste you don't eat it.. I have upped my work routines.. to actually make me sweat and not just to make me limber.. I want to lose at least 80 lbs before or on October the 22nd of this year.. So far.. i have lost 1.75lbs in this past week. Which to me is a good start.. I have not given up as of yet.. I had started my work out on the 7th of January, my good eating habits on January the 11th. My husband says he already sees a difference, but i ask him, how when i had just begun? He says that my "curves" are getting more defined.. lol u___u This is a very big deal for me.. so if i make my goal earlier or on time.. is very exciting to me. Later on today.. i will be sharing more of me and my hobbies... and just random things i like.. Thank you to those who take an interest in the things of me.. I don't expect people to come here and read my rantings.. but.. just for me to vent things about me.. and my family.. my home life.. and the aches and pains of life and working out lol

I make cakes too...

This is just a little something I do... I love baking and creating art with food :D and to make people happy :D

Sometimes

Sometimes you wish you can be everything they want you to be..
Sometimes you wish you weren't you..
Sometimes you wish you weren't so loving..
Something you wish you could just get over everything that hurt you..
Sometimes you try to breathe but it feels like water filling your lungs..
Sometimes you try harder everyday for them to love you..
Sometimes you try to be more than you..
Sometimes you try not to start the same argument..
Sometimes you try to get that attention of the one you love..
Sometimes you wanna just wake up from this nightmare..
Sometimes you wanna just let go and hope it comes back..
Sometimes you wanna just hold on and not let go..
Sometimes you wanna just slam that door walk away and never return..
Sometimes you just want to be held and told everything is going to be ok. I will hold you now until forever because I love you and no one can take that away from me or you.. I love you..
Sometimes...