It's been awhile..

It's been a while since I step foot in this place.. things have been for the worse.. can you believe it's been a year since I played out my emotions here?

Let's start with last year, around this time..
last year around Oct 18 2013; approximately. . We moved in with my father, who's health was failing drastically thanks to cancer. We spent our Hallows eve there, my father wanted to give his grandsons the best Halloween ever. ( even though we don't celebrate it ) we did costumes, we did walking and begging for candy ( lol ). They had their fun..
   but also let me tell you.. my father's so called "wife" is leaving him at this time. she says she is leaving, she doesn't want to deal with this anymore. That I am to blame.. that I drove her away, that I the daughter that was taking care of my sick father from day in and day out,  til sunrise to sunset! I caused her to move out?? I highly believe that... when I had never, in her entire marriage to my father did I ever converse with this person!  She leaves finally.. my father is now stressed more than ever.. he explains to me that she told him that she had someone new and NOT SICK, that she had her own place to look forward to and that she was "f----n" tired of all the harassment and all the lies and all the "f----n" embarrassment. .. are you serious you had the nerve to tell my father that after all he had done for her and she took everything that he ever did for her for granted?? She had to daughters that completely brought down the reputation of this house and the name of which my father upheld a certain standard..

November 2013
Thanksgiving has come and dad no longer wants to eat or converse.. he has become too tired, he has become week and overly stressed with pass things.. dad takes a fall and his back is hurting him.. there is nothing the doctors can do they say.. my dad has accepted his fate.. begins to ask me about my faith in God, we pray.. I lead him to Christ with the "sinners prayer".. we read the bible at night.. he always make sure to tell each and everyone of us that he loves us very much.
We have a very heart felt conversation one night he was feeling pretty good. He told me reasons why he wanted me to have his home, reasons why he chose me to be beneficiary for different things.. his last words to me..  "Always".

December 2013
Dad is actively passing away.. there is family everywhere.. people are coming from all over to say their last good byes.
Then evil strikes.. she, that she devil wants to come by and "make peace with her self" of how she left my father. We fight it but yet she sends in a woman that claims to know my father and uses that to her advantage. . ( mind you at this point my father can no longer converse or walk or even open his eyes at this point). The woman comes in and states to the she devil and the police that my father is calling out for the she devil?? No he did not! He couldn't even tell us he loved us at this point and there were people in the room when this treacherous witch was "visiting" my father. No way, no how.. we win this battle of course.. but Dad did not.. that same day the devil was showing it's evil nasty face, my father lost his battle with cancer.

The funeral
it was a beautiful day, but cold and clear in the skies.. we send my father off in a traditional way.. the bird singers sang all day n night.. we danced for our father the best we knew how.. its still dark early in the morning we bring my father out to the family burial site.. he is cremated ascending over the western skies beautiful place he is headed, with the ancestors... we wait a few days to bury the ashes.. everything was burned and everything pretty much in place...

I miss him so much.. I dont know what to do anymore.. these pills and counselors are not helping? How long will this take? Have I fully grieved.. have I held back.. why does every little things make me cry.. why can't it be just as it should be.. done and gone? I just want him back.. which I know won't happen... but I don't know how to sort out these emotions.. these feelings.. I need help..

what is there more to do????

I don't know what more to do.. i go and see my dad everyday i help him with everything... i drive him around and i take care of everything he cant do for himself. I am so stressed.. i cry most of the time i am not with my dad.. and i am so afraid that i am not going to be there when he needs me most.. There are people there that are with him.. and i don't know what else i am worried about.. it's like one minute i am ok.. the next i am mad.. the next i am crying my eyes out and don't know why sometimes.. I can't watch certain movies that i used to watch.. that i found so fun to watch.. then i  find out that it has something to do with cancer.. and i didn't think that i would be so sensitive to it.. it's like anything triggers everything in me.. i am trying to be strong i am trying to be a good daughter and help him as much as i can.. i don't wanna not be with him.. i am just so scared that he will be in so much pain and call for me and i am no where to be found.. i don't know how to deal with this i thought i could be good at coping with this because i have Jesus in my life.. but it is like the more i pray the more hurt i get because i don't know what will happen.. But i know i am just rambling on but i don't have anyone really to talk to.. i have my husband and family but sometimes i can't just open to them and just let everything out.. and it is just repetitive every time i talk and i know no one wants to hear what i had already cried about..  today seems like the worst day ever,... i don't know why. and i have a feeling my dad knows more then what he is telling us.. or even the nurses and doctors..

i don't know what to do.. i need more help and i don't know where to get it.. or how to understand any of it.. i don't wanna ask why.. but i just wonder why.. why my dad.. why now.. and why us? It's all in God's hands now and there is nothing i can do to change that..