Despondency

I don't know whether or not I should be saying some things, because I am mad and don't like people as much as i like cold steak...

I can't seem to grasp this whole love your enemies thing.. it stabs in the in the heart to see these people fake that they are pretending to be there for my father.. it just makes me so angry!! I don't see why they come around and fake that that are trying to help or even feel sorry for him.. since when? they never came around before and then disrespecting his house, and his land! Don't they know who their mother is married too? We are a Native people and we have more respect to our families even if we fight and hurt each other.. it's a prevalent thing for us.. i don't know.. But they made me ever so mad than i had been before.. i started to cry, not because i was sad.. but because i was so mad!! She kept talking and saying things to the doctor and to the nurses that came to assist my father.. and i kept saying why are you talking!? Why are you still talking?! And WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE!!?? Theg get under my skin is all and i can't stand it.. and to say they are someone to my father!? YOU ARE NOTHING BUT HIS WIFE'S KIDS, AND NOTHING MORE!! This is MY father, MY dad, MY BIOLOGICAL PARENT!!

wrapping my head around things takes a while because i go through every detail a lot of options and then put out the what if's and the what could be's.. I don't try to be so complicated, but when i think, i think i am fixing the matter but i am only making it worse.. I tried to learn how to let things go, but i am still praying for deliverance from that.. I was going to say though was that, they want to all this stuff for my dad and they want to take him here have him cut open here but if he responds to something else they want to cut there... and may not here, but over there.. then clap this here and have that there.. but temporarily.. I can see how hurt my dad is and how tired he is and he can not seem to sleep well either while he is in the God forsaken hospital bed.. I wish i could just make everything ok for him again!! I don't want to question God and ask why Lord.. why has my father come to this, a pile of cancer.. and nothing more than that? Is there anything I can do?! I pray everyday for him to get well, to be better and to have the life he once had going to work and being on the road and going where ever he wanted? I miss that.. now my dad is sitting in a bed almost 24/7 and is tired all the time.. I don't want to blame that on God, because he knows what he is doing.. Because, "Whatever You're doing inside of me, It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace It's hard to surrender to what I can't see But I'm giving in to something Heavenly "..." You're up to something, bigger than me! Larger than life, something heavenly! Something Heavenly!"- Sanctus Real 

Because I feel like it..

I haven't slept in almost 24 hours now.. I can't seem to put my mind at ease.. I pray and nothing.. i cry but still nothing.. I try to just lay there and stay silent and still, NOTHING..

I am so scared, tired, and just beat up! I don't know what to do anymore, we found out my father has cancer in both his Liver and his Colon.. One can be saved but not the other.. There is a lot of talk about where is going to where and who is going to have what and where the youngest child will go and what will happen to others..

Everything is becoming so real, that everything just might come to an end and i don't like that I can't control that. and to think that my father has to go in this alone because his dumb so called wife.. (not my mother; my dads second marriage). We are all grown have families of our own but one sister left at home that is 14. I am there for him 24/7 and my father appreciates it i know he does, his eldest daughter doing what is right he says. 

To hear my father tell me that i am the one that is making it in the right direction makes me feel so good inside but so sad that it all might come to an end and that it took this to happen to him to show his real feelings and all that he has done into perspective.I am just going to miss him.. i know nothing is going to happen right at this moment but if it were to happen in the near future like within this year.. i don't know what i will do...  I need more time.. i need more time to think to know what is really going on.. i feel so in shock.. i don't know how to respond i don't know how to act.. what am I to say? I am a woman of God and have no words no advice no comfort or a peaceful state of mind!? I know i am only human but why can't i just get up the courage to pray for my dad lay hands on him and believe God to take all this away and that he can see his grandchildren grow up and just see his youngest daughter graduate from high school! I am not questioning God, i know things happen for a reason but, i just want more time.. more time to tell him i love him and that i need him there, to teach me, to teach me about my culture to pass it on to my son's...

I have a confession to make and I do not believe in superstitions and things like that but.. i believe this one to be true.. because owls are messengers and we as Native Americans (pima/ maricopa) believe they are a sign of danger and most of the time a sign of death.. I believe this to be true because without me analyzing that i saw one and then thinking 'oh, who is going to die'. No i just shrug  it off and then when something does happen i look back at all those times.. My confession is that.. and i didn't wanna tell my mom, brothers or sisters.. but, I saw a big white owl on the Fourth of July and thought nothing of it we gazed at it an cried a little to myself and then when my father had me take him to his first appointment for all this we got the news.. then i realized.. What the heck! Why did i have to see that owl.. why did it come and sit across the street from where i was..and why didn't i think anything of it at the time.. I know i shouldn't believe the world and only Jesus, but that is the only thing that i hold true in this world also, because it was no coincidence.. I just don't know.. maybe i am crazy or something.. thats all.. 

I just can't stand this and i don't know what to do anymore but cry, and all i hear from everyone else is ' oh your father will be fine.. just keep praying" i know that and i have never stopped praying but why can;t people just sympathize or empathize with me.. to me those are lazy comments and nothing from the heart.. that isn't a friend that is a text book answer.. i need you more than ever dad.. and i need you more than ever Jesus!!

I am not here right now, please leave a message and I will get back to you later..

Lately, I have not been able to focus.. To even comprehend what is going on in my life right now. One thing after another, trial after trial.. I know that the price of being born again was that there would be trials and tribulation. I didn't know like this! It's not going to break me but it sure is bending me to the point where it feels like I am going to break in two.

We found out last month that my father was sick, and that he has a hernia. At the time surgery was all he needed, and we could deal with that. After poking and prodding around in his body we have come to find that he no longer just had a hernia, but a tumor and lesions on his liver. In all, they are saying that my father might have a cancerous mass on his liver! We are not sure what everything is yet, We have come back from GI appointments and just yesterday a liver biopsy and before that a few more appointments. It's been a long week I am tired and torn. I have been praying constantly for my father... but everyday I grow weary of what might be.

He has been talking about getting things in order, and I know that is nothing to not worry about. I just don't like the thought of it being real all of a sudden. He is saying things of giving his house to me and my children, and that he wants this to go here and there.. everything is becoming to real and I don't know what else to think. He is not old, just his insides. He says he doesn't want this in his body and he doesn't want it to be true either, but only time will tell, we only have to wait on the tests. 

What am I to do, all this has been put on my shoulders. He says he wants me to take over because I am the one out of all the kids that seems to have everything together and which way to go in life. I appreciate that a lot! To hear it coming from my dad! It is something that I believe every child would like to hear their parent tell them! On the other hand, I feel not that it is a burden, but a little overwhelming and an honor at the same time. To think my dad would soon pass away or to even think he could be passing soon has been heart wrenching. I know we know nothing yet, but thinking of all the what could be's is so very hard. I am not trying to be all negative, but so positive about it. I just can't help thinking what if... What if the test come back and say something we don't wanna hear. What if they don't come back and will all this just go away and we go back to our normal lives? Will no one be as close as they are now? What if he does pass very soon and I don't know how to cope? How am I to deal with all this!? I know I have Jesus and I can pray about it, talk to my Pastor and seek guidance from others that have been in this situation.. Who will be there for me? If anyone at all..

There are just a lot of things that I am going through and don't know how to manage, every one keeps telling me that I am a strong person and that I have to learn to let go.. but how am I to let go of something that hasn't happened yet or might happen? How am I to do this when all this is happening now!? I have so many questions and because nothing has been diagnosed or is just a possibility no one wants to give me answers! I need something that will take the pain away for now and that I can focus on what I have to do!! Why wont someone just give it to me straight even if it is a hypothetical scenario right now.. Give me the what if's and what the what could be's.. That way when and if it happens I can know what I have to do!!

Times like this I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna eat, I don't wanna play with my children, and I definitely don't wanna see anyone and have them tell me oh you'll be fine this happens all the time. Yeah it is easy for people to give you advice when they haven't been through it themselves.. Text book answers don't help me here.. any moron can go and read a book about death but til you have suffered and watch someone you loved die in your arms then you know nothing!!! I had to live that once already, I don't wanna have to do it again so soon!!