I haven't slept in almost 24 hours now.. I can't seem to put my mind at ease.. I pray and nothing.. i cry but still nothing.. I try to just lay there and stay silent and still, NOTHING..
I am so scared, tired, and just beat up! I don't know what to do anymore, we found out my father has cancer in both his Liver and his Colon.. One can be saved but not the other.. There is a lot of talk about where is going to where and who is going to have what and where the youngest child will go and what will happen to others..
Everything is becoming so real, that everything just might come to an end and i don't like that I can't control that. and to think that my father has to go in this alone because his dumb so called wife.. (not my mother; my dads second marriage). We are all grown have families of our own but one sister left at home that is 14. I am there for him 24/7 and my father appreciates it i know he does, his eldest daughter doing what is right he says.
To hear my father tell me that i am the one that is making it in the right direction makes me feel so good inside but so sad that it all might come to an end and that it took this to happen to him to show his real feelings and all that he has done into perspective.I am just going to miss him.. i know nothing is going to happen right at this moment but if it were to happen in the near future like within this year.. i don't know what i will do... I need more time.. i need more time to think to know what is really going on.. i feel so in shock.. i don't know how to respond i don't know how to act.. what am I to say? I am a woman of God and have no words no advice no comfort or a peaceful state of mind!? I know i am only human but why can't i just get up the courage to pray for my dad lay hands on him and believe God to take all this away and that he can see his grandchildren grow up and just see his youngest daughter graduate from high school! I am not questioning God, i know things happen for a reason but, i just want more time.. more time to tell him i love him and that i need him there, to teach me, to teach me about my culture to pass it on to my son's...
I have a confession to make and I do not believe in superstitions and things like that but.. i believe this one to be true.. because owls are messengers and we as Native Americans (pima/ maricopa) believe they are a sign of danger and most of the time a sign of death.. I believe this to be true because without me analyzing that i saw one and then thinking 'oh, who is going to die'. No i just shrug it off and then when something does happen i look back at all those times.. My confession is that.. and i didn't wanna tell my mom, brothers or sisters.. but, I saw a big white owl on the Fourth of July and thought nothing of it we gazed at it an cried a little to myself and then when my father had me take him to his first appointment for all this we got the news.. then i realized.. What the heck! Why did i have to see that owl.. why did it come and sit across the street from where i was..and why didn't i think anything of it at the time.. I know i shouldn't believe the world and only Jesus, but that is the only thing that i hold true in this world also, because it was no coincidence.. I just don't know.. maybe i am crazy or something.. thats all..
I just can't stand this and i don't know what to do anymore but cry, and all i hear from everyone else is ' oh your father will be fine.. just keep praying" i know that and i have never stopped praying but why can;t people just sympathize or empathize with me.. to me those are lazy comments and nothing from the heart.. that isn't a friend that is a text book answer.. i need you more than ever dad.. and i need you more than ever Jesus!!
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