So, this week is my son Kai's birthday week...
He would have been 5 years old this year. He probably would have been starting preschool this year. He would have been learning how to tie his shoes, writing his name and learning sight words and how to make some new friends. He would have had light brown hair and possibly hazel eyes. He would be a skinny little boy jumping off the couch and running around with his two other brothers. He would have loved going to the beach with us when we took that trip last summer to show his younger brother. We only have the little family car since we don't need the extra room.. We only live in a two bedroom house because the additional room would be too much. He would have loved to want to cuddle up with us as we read books before bed time and family weekends at the lake. Wearing phoenix suns jerseys in the sun and playing on the playground chasing after his older brother perhaps. Maybe he does see, maybe he knows we have a little car and a little place. Maybe he knows how much his mommy and daddy miss him.. Maybe he knows mommy still cries herself to sleep just knowing what he could be doing that day..
I had a dream one night that he was here with us still and what he had look like.. just like his brothers mixed into one. With his chinky little eyes and his chubby little cheeks and his spikey hair just like his brothers. I know everyone says that everyone takes different times to heal and to let go even. When it is my time, i don't know if i can do as i am told.. or how do i even start.. is this ok? Have i grieved to long.. heck, i am still grieving.
It is weird every time around this year, around his birthday and mother's day (by the way is the day he passed) i dread it. I dread mother's day because it is a memory and anniversary when he had to go away. And his birthday cause i know he wont be here getting older each time to celebrate. I know it's cliche and tired some to say, but i really wish there was a staircase to Heaven so i could bring you back to me one day. All i know is one i will see you again, and i hope that i can recognize your face. If you could really know what is going on, i hope Jesus can tell you what i have written here and that i still have your puppy and he lays in my bed with us. His name is Kai Puppy,no one or nothing can take your place! I know til this day that you lived longer than the doctor's say, i watched you fight for your life and take your last breathe. It was the saddest day in my life and i didn't know what to do, til this day i still don' t know what to do about this feeling and all this that i have bottled inside.
I miss you so much, come to me in my dreams.. at least then i can smile and be happy... but only in my dreams..
I am always thinking about you My Little Prince in Heaven!!
Love Mommy <3>
