I am not here right now, please leave a message and I will get back to you later..

Lately, I have not been able to focus.. To even comprehend what is going on in my life right now. One thing after another, trial after trial.. I know that the price of being born again was that there would be trials and tribulation. I didn't know like this! It's not going to break me but it sure is bending me to the point where it feels like I am going to break in two.

We found out last month that my father was sick, and that he has a hernia. At the time surgery was all he needed, and we could deal with that. After poking and prodding around in his body we have come to find that he no longer just had a hernia, but a tumor and lesions on his liver. In all, they are saying that my father might have a cancerous mass on his liver! We are not sure what everything is yet, We have come back from GI appointments and just yesterday a liver biopsy and before that a few more appointments. It's been a long week I am tired and torn. I have been praying constantly for my father... but everyday I grow weary of what might be.

He has been talking about getting things in order, and I know that is nothing to not worry about. I just don't like the thought of it being real all of a sudden. He is saying things of giving his house to me and my children, and that he wants this to go here and there.. everything is becoming to real and I don't know what else to think. He is not old, just his insides. He says he doesn't want this in his body and he doesn't want it to be true either, but only time will tell, we only have to wait on the tests. 

What am I to do, all this has been put on my shoulders. He says he wants me to take over because I am the one out of all the kids that seems to have everything together and which way to go in life. I appreciate that a lot! To hear it coming from my dad! It is something that I believe every child would like to hear their parent tell them! On the other hand, I feel not that it is a burden, but a little overwhelming and an honor at the same time. To think my dad would soon pass away or to even think he could be passing soon has been heart wrenching. I know we know nothing yet, but thinking of all the what could be's is so very hard. I am not trying to be all negative, but so positive about it. I just can't help thinking what if... What if the test come back and say something we don't wanna hear. What if they don't come back and will all this just go away and we go back to our normal lives? Will no one be as close as they are now? What if he does pass very soon and I don't know how to cope? How am I to deal with all this!? I know I have Jesus and I can pray about it, talk to my Pastor and seek guidance from others that have been in this situation.. Who will be there for me? If anyone at all..

There are just a lot of things that I am going through and don't know how to manage, every one keeps telling me that I am a strong person and that I have to learn to let go.. but how am I to let go of something that hasn't happened yet or might happen? How am I to do this when all this is happening now!? I have so many questions and because nothing has been diagnosed or is just a possibility no one wants to give me answers! I need something that will take the pain away for now and that I can focus on what I have to do!! Why wont someone just give it to me straight even if it is a hypothetical scenario right now.. Give me the what if's and what the what could be's.. That way when and if it happens I can know what I have to do!!

Times like this I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna eat, I don't wanna play with my children, and I definitely don't wanna see anyone and have them tell me oh you'll be fine this happens all the time. Yeah it is easy for people to give you advice when they haven't been through it themselves.. Text book answers don't help me here.. any moron can go and read a book about death but til you have suffered and watch someone you loved die in your arms then you know nothing!!! I had to live that once already, I don't wanna have to do it again so soon!!

Sometimes

Sometimes you wish you can be everything they want you to be..
Sometimes you wish you weren't you..
Sometimes you wish you weren't so loving..
Something you wish you could just get over everything that hurt you..
Sometimes you try to breathe but it feels like water filling your lungs..
Sometimes you try harder everyday for them to love you..
Sometimes you try to be more than you..
Sometimes you try not to start the same argument..
Sometimes you try to get that attention of the one you love..
Sometimes you wanna just wake up from this nightmare..
Sometimes you wanna just let go and hope it comes back..
Sometimes you wanna just hold on and not let go..
Sometimes you wanna just slam that door walk away and never return..
Sometimes you just want to be held and told everything is going to be ok. I will hold you now until forever because I love you and no one can take that away from me or you.. I love you..
Sometimes...

Aching

I've sat there looking wanting and waiting.. head down and tears streaming along my cheeks. I don't care what was said or who said it.. all I want is for it to be right again.. I sit and I wait for your eyes to meet with mine and say never again..  they never meet and I wonder why. I wonder why it won't be a "I'm sorry" or "are you ok" but its ok, its done and over with I just wanna get through the rest of the night knowing you still care and why I even bother...