Where I stand today.

There are people in life that just come along and are put there to try to steal your joy. I have faced this many times in life. If i were to count how many times.. it would actually take me a good while.

Yesterday i was faced with a devil and it wasn't pretty. I stand clear of making anyone mad at me. I am a servant. I try to make a good standing with everyone and i know you can't make everyone happy and that is the truth. you know what though.. that is on them. well what had happened was the person didn't even know what was even going on and they attacked me and one other person. How could they do that!??! It was not an escalated situation and they turned it into "I'm going to murder you!" kind of situation. Which they accused me of having a problem with someone and that wasn't even the case!! Also that i was not to go to someone to gossip to. Which was not even the case one bit!! I was only  looking for someone to help me get some keys to get some supplies because of a prior situation!!

I was attacked verbally and had fingers in my face! How dare I!? This is what i was told.. . are you serious?! How dare them! For not even knowing a situation they come to me and make it something it was not. People that who are to stand there as your brothers and sisters to band together against evil and they become the dreadful demons we are fighting! I couldn't believe anything i heard or saw, all i could do was control myself and walked away from the situation and later accept an apology that had nothing to do with the incident. How could they do that? How could they stoop so low as to become something they were to overcome? I understand we are all human we make mistakes but to become a ravenous vulture and come at me with accusations and threats. That puzzles me so much!

Just like my dad would tell.. " you can only control you, you be the change and maybe people will follow" well dad i miss you and wish i could talk to you. You were there to give such awesome wisdom; stuff way beyond me.

I wont let people take my joy, i can stand taller today because i have overcome and i did not backlash! I can stand here and truly say I have grown! I have grown to someone i love and would love people to see in action. No longer am I this violent being and not to take peoples crap but to be the bigger person and be the one with fewer words!

It's been awhile..

It's been a while since I step foot in this place.. things have been for the worse.. can you believe it's been a year since I played out my emotions here?

Let's start with last year, around this time..
last year around Oct 18 2013; approximately. . We moved in with my father, who's health was failing drastically thanks to cancer. We spent our Hallows eve there, my father wanted to give his grandsons the best Halloween ever. ( even though we don't celebrate it ) we did costumes, we did walking and begging for candy ( lol ). They had their fun..
   but also let me tell you.. my father's so called "wife" is leaving him at this time. she says she is leaving, she doesn't want to deal with this anymore. That I am to blame.. that I drove her away, that I the daughter that was taking care of my sick father from day in and day out,  til sunrise to sunset! I caused her to move out?? I highly believe that... when I had never, in her entire marriage to my father did I ever converse with this person!  She leaves finally.. my father is now stressed more than ever.. he explains to me that she told him that she had someone new and NOT SICK, that she had her own place to look forward to and that she was "f----n" tired of all the harassment and all the lies and all the "f----n" embarrassment. .. are you serious you had the nerve to tell my father that after all he had done for her and she took everything that he ever did for her for granted?? She had to daughters that completely brought down the reputation of this house and the name of which my father upheld a certain standard..

November 2013
Thanksgiving has come and dad no longer wants to eat or converse.. he has become too tired, he has become week and overly stressed with pass things.. dad takes a fall and his back is hurting him.. there is nothing the doctors can do they say.. my dad has accepted his fate.. begins to ask me about my faith in God, we pray.. I lead him to Christ with the "sinners prayer".. we read the bible at night.. he always make sure to tell each and everyone of us that he loves us very much.
We have a very heart felt conversation one night he was feeling pretty good. He told me reasons why he wanted me to have his home, reasons why he chose me to be beneficiary for different things.. his last words to me..  "Always".

December 2013
Dad is actively passing away.. there is family everywhere.. people are coming from all over to say their last good byes.
Then evil strikes.. she, that she devil wants to come by and "make peace with her self" of how she left my father. We fight it but yet she sends in a woman that claims to know my father and uses that to her advantage. . ( mind you at this point my father can no longer converse or walk or even open his eyes at this point). The woman comes in and states to the she devil and the police that my father is calling out for the she devil?? No he did not! He couldn't even tell us he loved us at this point and there were people in the room when this treacherous witch was "visiting" my father. No way, no how.. we win this battle of course.. but Dad did not.. that same day the devil was showing it's evil nasty face, my father lost his battle with cancer.

The funeral
it was a beautiful day, but cold and clear in the skies.. we send my father off in a traditional way.. the bird singers sang all day n night.. we danced for our father the best we knew how.. its still dark early in the morning we bring my father out to the family burial site.. he is cremated ascending over the western skies beautiful place he is headed, with the ancestors... we wait a few days to bury the ashes.. everything was burned and everything pretty much in place...

I miss him so much.. I dont know what to do anymore.. these pills and counselors are not helping? How long will this take? Have I fully grieved.. have I held back.. why does every little things make me cry.. why can't it be just as it should be.. done and gone? I just want him back.. which I know won't happen... but I don't know how to sort out these emotions.. these feelings.. I need help..

all on my own..

I do everything all by myself, no one to help no one to lend a hand.. no one there to hold my hand, or even to take the wheel.. I walk and do as i please and no one can get in my way... But sometimes i wish there was someone there to help me.

I have been doing all this by myself, i have been making appointments keeping them and changing them and making sure we have everything together. I don't know what to do anymore.. i feel like a mess.. my head hurts all the time and i feel like i can't sleep. I feel like i have neglected everything dear to me. But i also don't wanna leave my dad and something happen to him.. I just wanna be able to go home and be refreshed and do it all again. But then there is always something else there that bothers me.

Not being able to hold my own makes me afraid and there is nothing i can do. I feel like screaming and not stopping i feel like scratch at my face my arms and pulling out my hair.. i feel like there are things that are just poking and prodding at me.. and there nothing i can do about it.. even though i can do something about, i know that i wont get down to it cause the way i feel.. 

Why don't i have anyone to talk to? Why don't i have friends? Why don't i keep friends? Why don't people understand what i am going through.. or even if they havent been in my shoes at least listen just a little while. I keep telling myself i don't need anyone and that i will be ok, but i am really not ok. I am not ok i know i am not i dont need money for rent, for my phone and food for my children..thats the only thing, but everything has spiraled down from here... and there is nothing that i can do about it.. the people that said i was going to get paid have done nothing to get me the paper work to get me paid.. everything is just a mess..

i am just babbling and i don't mean to, but i have no one i could relate to.. 

Zoloft

I guess you will be my only friend from here on out..

 I never wanted to meet you, i didn't even wanna hear your name be spoken.. 

Why have you chosen me? Why was there even a reason for you to even show your ugly face.. To have you have to hold my hand every waking hour of my life for now..

 I will get over you and never have to see you again.. 

I pray this will all get better and you wouldn't even be near to ruin things!

 I HATE YOU!!

what is there more to do????

I don't know what more to do.. i go and see my dad everyday i help him with everything... i drive him around and i take care of everything he cant do for himself. I am so stressed.. i cry most of the time i am not with my dad.. and i am so afraid that i am not going to be there when he needs me most.. There are people there that are with him.. and i don't know what else i am worried about.. it's like one minute i am ok.. the next i am mad.. the next i am crying my eyes out and don't know why sometimes.. I can't watch certain movies that i used to watch.. that i found so fun to watch.. then i  find out that it has something to do with cancer.. and i didn't think that i would be so sensitive to it.. it's like anything triggers everything in me.. i am trying to be strong i am trying to be a good daughter and help him as much as i can.. i don't wanna not be with him.. i am just so scared that he will be in so much pain and call for me and i am no where to be found.. i don't know how to deal with this i thought i could be good at coping with this because i have Jesus in my life.. but it is like the more i pray the more hurt i get because i don't know what will happen.. But i know i am just rambling on but i don't have anyone really to talk to.. i have my husband and family but sometimes i can't just open to them and just let everything out.. and it is just repetitive every time i talk and i know no one wants to hear what i had already cried about..  today seems like the worst day ever,... i don't know why. and i have a feeling my dad knows more then what he is telling us.. or even the nurses and doctors..

i don't know what to do.. i need more help and i don't know where to get it.. or how to understand any of it.. i don't wanna ask why.. but i just wonder why.. why my dad.. why now.. and why us? It's all in God's hands now and there is nothing i can do to change that..

Despondency

I don't know whether or not I should be saying some things, because I am mad and don't like people as much as i like cold steak...

I can't seem to grasp this whole love your enemies thing.. it stabs in the in the heart to see these people fake that they are pretending to be there for my father.. it just makes me so angry!! I don't see why they come around and fake that that are trying to help or even feel sorry for him.. since when? they never came around before and then disrespecting his house, and his land! Don't they know who their mother is married too? We are a Native people and we have more respect to our families even if we fight and hurt each other.. it's a prevalent thing for us.. i don't know.. But they made me ever so mad than i had been before.. i started to cry, not because i was sad.. but because i was so mad!! She kept talking and saying things to the doctor and to the nurses that came to assist my father.. and i kept saying why are you talking!? Why are you still talking?! And WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE!!?? Theg get under my skin is all and i can't stand it.. and to say they are someone to my father!? YOU ARE NOTHING BUT HIS WIFE'S KIDS, AND NOTHING MORE!! This is MY father, MY dad, MY BIOLOGICAL PARENT!!

wrapping my head around things takes a while because i go through every detail a lot of options and then put out the what if's and the what could be's.. I don't try to be so complicated, but when i think, i think i am fixing the matter but i am only making it worse.. I tried to learn how to let things go, but i am still praying for deliverance from that.. I was going to say though was that, they want to all this stuff for my dad and they want to take him here have him cut open here but if he responds to something else they want to cut there... and may not here, but over there.. then clap this here and have that there.. but temporarily.. I can see how hurt my dad is and how tired he is and he can not seem to sleep well either while he is in the God forsaken hospital bed.. I wish i could just make everything ok for him again!! I don't want to question God and ask why Lord.. why has my father come to this, a pile of cancer.. and nothing more than that? Is there anything I can do?! I pray everyday for him to get well, to be better and to have the life he once had going to work and being on the road and going where ever he wanted? I miss that.. now my dad is sitting in a bed almost 24/7 and is tired all the time.. I don't want to blame that on God, because he knows what he is doing.. Because, "Whatever You're doing inside of me, It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace It's hard to surrender to what I can't see But I'm giving in to something Heavenly "..." You're up to something, bigger than me! Larger than life, something heavenly! Something Heavenly!"- Sanctus Real 

Because I feel like it..

I haven't slept in almost 24 hours now.. I can't seem to put my mind at ease.. I pray and nothing.. i cry but still nothing.. I try to just lay there and stay silent and still, NOTHING..

I am so scared, tired, and just beat up! I don't know what to do anymore, we found out my father has cancer in both his Liver and his Colon.. One can be saved but not the other.. There is a lot of talk about where is going to where and who is going to have what and where the youngest child will go and what will happen to others..

Everything is becoming so real, that everything just might come to an end and i don't like that I can't control that. and to think that my father has to go in this alone because his dumb so called wife.. (not my mother; my dads second marriage). We are all grown have families of our own but one sister left at home that is 14. I am there for him 24/7 and my father appreciates it i know he does, his eldest daughter doing what is right he says. 

To hear my father tell me that i am the one that is making it in the right direction makes me feel so good inside but so sad that it all might come to an end and that it took this to happen to him to show his real feelings and all that he has done into perspective.I am just going to miss him.. i know nothing is going to happen right at this moment but if it were to happen in the near future like within this year.. i don't know what i will do...  I need more time.. i need more time to think to know what is really going on.. i feel so in shock.. i don't know how to respond i don't know how to act.. what am I to say? I am a woman of God and have no words no advice no comfort or a peaceful state of mind!? I know i am only human but why can't i just get up the courage to pray for my dad lay hands on him and believe God to take all this away and that he can see his grandchildren grow up and just see his youngest daughter graduate from high school! I am not questioning God, i know things happen for a reason but, i just want more time.. more time to tell him i love him and that i need him there, to teach me, to teach me about my culture to pass it on to my son's...

I have a confession to make and I do not believe in superstitions and things like that but.. i believe this one to be true.. because owls are messengers and we as Native Americans (pima/ maricopa) believe they are a sign of danger and most of the time a sign of death.. I believe this to be true because without me analyzing that i saw one and then thinking 'oh, who is going to die'. No i just shrug  it off and then when something does happen i look back at all those times.. My confession is that.. and i didn't wanna tell my mom, brothers or sisters.. but, I saw a big white owl on the Fourth of July and thought nothing of it we gazed at it an cried a little to myself and then when my father had me take him to his first appointment for all this we got the news.. then i realized.. What the heck! Why did i have to see that owl.. why did it come and sit across the street from where i was..and why didn't i think anything of it at the time.. I know i shouldn't believe the world and only Jesus, but that is the only thing that i hold true in this world also, because it was no coincidence.. I just don't know.. maybe i am crazy or something.. thats all.. 

I just can't stand this and i don't know what to do anymore but cry, and all i hear from everyone else is ' oh your father will be fine.. just keep praying" i know that and i have never stopped praying but why can;t people just sympathize or empathize with me.. to me those are lazy comments and nothing from the heart.. that isn't a friend that is a text book answer.. i need you more than ever dad.. and i need you more than ever Jesus!!