Lately, I have not been able to focus.. To even comprehend what is going on in my life right now. One thing after another, trial after trial.. I know that the price of being born again was that there would be trials and tribulation. I didn't know like this! It's not going to break me but it sure is bending me to the point where it feels like I am going to break in two.
We found out last month that my father was sick, and that he has a hernia. At the time surgery was all he needed, and we could deal with that. After poking and prodding around in his body we have come to find that he no longer just had a hernia, but a tumor and lesions on his liver. In all, they are saying that my father might have a cancerous mass on his liver! We are not sure what everything is yet, We have come back from GI appointments and just yesterday a liver biopsy and before that a few more appointments. It's been a long week I am tired and torn. I have been praying constantly for my father... but everyday I grow weary of what might be.
He has been talking about getting things in order, and I know that is nothing to not worry about. I just don't like the thought of it being real all of a sudden. He is saying things of giving his house to me and my children, and that he wants this to go here and there.. everything is becoming to real and I don't know what else to think. He is not old, just his insides. He says he doesn't want this in his body and he doesn't want it to be true either, but only time will tell, we only have to wait on the tests.
What am I to do, all this has been put on my shoulders. He says he wants me to take over because I am the one out of all the kids that seems to have everything together and which way to go in life. I appreciate that a lot! To hear it coming from my dad! It is something that I believe every child would like to hear their parent tell them! On the other hand, I feel not that it is a burden, but a little overwhelming and an honor at the same time. To think my dad would soon pass away or to even think he could be passing soon has been heart wrenching. I know we know nothing yet, but thinking of all the what could be's is so very hard. I am not trying to be all negative, but so positive about it. I just can't help thinking what if... What if the test come back and say something we don't wanna hear. What if they don't come back and will all this just go away and we go back to our normal lives? Will no one be as close as they are now? What if he does pass very soon and I don't know how to cope? How am I to deal with all this!? I know I have Jesus and I can pray about it, talk to my Pastor and seek guidance from others that have been in this situation.. Who will be there for me? If anyone at all..
There are just a lot of things that I am going through and don't know how to manage, every one keeps telling me that I am a strong person and that I have to learn to let go.. but how am I to let go of something that hasn't happened yet or might happen? How am I to do this when all this is happening now!? I have so many questions and because nothing has been diagnosed or is just a possibility no one wants to give me answers! I need something that will take the pain away for now and that I can focus on what I have to do!! Why wont someone just give it to me straight even if it is a hypothetical scenario right now.. Give me the what if's and what the what could be's.. That way when and if it happens I can know what I have to do!!
Times like this I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna eat, I don't wanna play with my children, and I definitely don't wanna see anyone and have them tell me oh you'll be fine this happens all the time. Yeah it is easy for people to give you advice when they haven't been through it themselves.. Text book answers don't help me here.. any moron can go and read a book about death but til you have suffered and watch someone you loved die in your arms then you know nothing!!! I had to live that once already, I don't wanna have to do it again so soon!!
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Kai..
So, this week is my son Kai's birthday week...
He would have been 5 years old this year. He probably would have been starting preschool this year. He would have been learning how to tie his shoes, writing his name and learning sight words and how to make some new friends. He would have had light brown hair and possibly hazel eyes. He would be a skinny little boy jumping off the couch and running around with his two other brothers. He would have loved going to the beach with us when we took that trip last summer to show his younger brother. We only have the little family car since we don't need the extra room.. We only live in a two bedroom house because the additional room would be too much. He would have loved to want to cuddle up with us as we read books before bed time and family weekends at the lake. Wearing phoenix suns jerseys in the sun and playing on the playground chasing after his older brother perhaps. Maybe he does see, maybe he knows we have a little car and a little place. Maybe he knows how much his mommy and daddy miss him.. Maybe he knows mommy still cries herself to sleep just knowing what he could be doing that day..
I had a dream one night that he was here with us still and what he had look like.. just like his brothers mixed into one. With his chinky little eyes and his chubby little cheeks and his spikey hair just like his brothers. I know everyone says that everyone takes different times to heal and to let go even. When it is my time, i don't know if i can do as i am told.. or how do i even start.. is this ok? Have i grieved to long.. heck, i am still grieving.
It is weird every time around this year, around his birthday and mother's day (by the way is the day he passed) i dread it. I dread mother's day because it is a memory and anniversary when he had to go away. And his birthday cause i know he wont be here getting older each time to celebrate. I know it's cliche and tired some to say, but i really wish there was a staircase to Heaven so i could bring you back to me one day. All i know is one i will see you again, and i hope that i can recognize your face. If you could really know what is going on, i hope Jesus can tell you what i have written here and that i still have your puppy and he lays in my bed with us. His name is Kai Puppy,no one or nothing can take your place! I know til this day that you lived longer than the doctor's say, i watched you fight for your life and take your last breathe. It was the saddest day in my life and i didn't know what to do, til this day i still don' t know what to do about this feeling and all this that i have bottled inside.
I miss you so much, come to me in my dreams.. at least then i can smile and be happy... but only in my dreams..
I am always thinking about you My Little Prince in Heaven!!
Love Mommy <3>
He would have been 5 years old this year. He probably would have been starting preschool this year. He would have been learning how to tie his shoes, writing his name and learning sight words and how to make some new friends. He would have had light brown hair and possibly hazel eyes. He would be a skinny little boy jumping off the couch and running around with his two other brothers. He would have loved going to the beach with us when we took that trip last summer to show his younger brother. We only have the little family car since we don't need the extra room.. We only live in a two bedroom house because the additional room would be too much. He would have loved to want to cuddle up with us as we read books before bed time and family weekends at the lake. Wearing phoenix suns jerseys in the sun and playing on the playground chasing after his older brother perhaps. Maybe he does see, maybe he knows we have a little car and a little place. Maybe he knows how much his mommy and daddy miss him.. Maybe he knows mommy still cries herself to sleep just knowing what he could be doing that day..
I had a dream one night that he was here with us still and what he had look like.. just like his brothers mixed into one. With his chinky little eyes and his chubby little cheeks and his spikey hair just like his brothers. I know everyone says that everyone takes different times to heal and to let go even. When it is my time, i don't know if i can do as i am told.. or how do i even start.. is this ok? Have i grieved to long.. heck, i am still grieving.
It is weird every time around this year, around his birthday and mother's day (by the way is the day he passed) i dread it. I dread mother's day because it is a memory and anniversary when he had to go away. And his birthday cause i know he wont be here getting older each time to celebrate. I know it's cliche and tired some to say, but i really wish there was a staircase to Heaven so i could bring you back to me one day. All i know is one i will see you again, and i hope that i can recognize your face. If you could really know what is going on, i hope Jesus can tell you what i have written here and that i still have your puppy and he lays in my bed with us. His name is Kai Puppy,no one or nothing can take your place! I know til this day that you lived longer than the doctor's say, i watched you fight for your life and take your last breathe. It was the saddest day in my life and i didn't know what to do, til this day i still don' t know what to do about this feeling and all this that i have bottled inside.
I miss you so much, come to me in my dreams.. at least then i can smile and be happy... but only in my dreams..
I am always thinking about you My Little Prince in Heaven!!
Love Mommy <3>
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Things i do...
I do this and do that.. I sound like I am ungrateful or nagging.. sorry to blow my top.. I feel as though regret has taken over you. I sit here and tell my self there is going to be a turn around some day.. Everyday is perfect except those one days where it all comes on like a wave.. I don't think before I speak, things are triggered when things are done or said. I don't mean to be this way, I am sorry but I am just the product of your dismay. I am not here to judge you in all you did or done, but to merely help you guide me and help us get along. I did this for us I said it for me.. but why is it I just can't let things be? I don't wanna be hurt I don't want to cause confusion or delay to our recovery. I just need to talk and let things be free. I can't seem to shake this disease it comes out of me and runs over my selfless degrees. I come to see that maybe I'm the problem and don't know when to decline, the words that come vomiting out as they please. This demon has a hold of me and won't let me go til its satisfied with its demeaning greed. I shake and jerk to get a hold of you to wrap you in our bound to never be alone.. why can't I let things go?? Can we just talk?? Not argue? I just wanna be alive again..
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
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